ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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