Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
