Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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