Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
