It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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