Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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