life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
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