when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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