If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
