I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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