Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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