Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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