Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
