apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
