the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Randomize
