I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
