So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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