I can tuck mytits in my pants
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
