Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
