I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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