It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
