Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
