girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
