I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
