Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
