true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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