I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
