one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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