I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize