That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
