Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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