cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
