he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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