Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
