I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
