$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
