I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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