He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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