I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
