FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
