there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
