I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
