dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
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You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
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I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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