i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
