shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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