evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
