I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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