Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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