someone owes me an orgasm
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
