My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
