Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
