my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
