sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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