i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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