Four minutes until I can fart!
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
