babies were throwing up all over the place
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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