Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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