apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
