I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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