Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
