Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
