trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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