I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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