I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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